When one member of a couple experiences deep hurt, that person can want out of a relationship. Commonly, we humans react in blaming the other for causing the hurt feeling. (The other guy is at fault.) What if the other member of the couple does not accept the blame nor attack in response.
Let’s review a story where healing can occur because one member reaches for Soothing, Goodness and Sanity.
The Example
Larry announces he feels very unhappy in the partnership and has for awhile. He pulls away, not wanting to talk. . . He no longer loves her and feels hurt. When she speaks it feels like he is being criticized by one of his parents and it hurts. In fact it is paralyzing.
Allison feels as though this were a personal attack. She feels the impulse is to list Larry’s flaws, failings. She tries to analyze how he is thinking why he is thinking that.
Our Star realizes she wants his approval, wants to fight him, wants to hide, wants to go into self-hate and depression.
Getting Assistance
Allison turns to Wise Counsel.
A: How can I handle this? I feel so threatened, so afraid, so hurt.
WC: It is ok to be flooded with all this emotion. Make your process ok.
A: I can see I feel reactive. I feel stirrings of wanting substances to which I have been addicted. I want relief.
Soothe Yourself
WC: I recommend focusing on how you can soothe yourself. You are a Strong, Good and Valuable person in your own right. Your partner (no other person) does not determine your worthiness on this planet. When one feels love for another, one does not hand over that kind of ultimate judgement or power.
A: I returned to a medication I used to use. It is supporting me.
WC: Trust your own judgement. Soothing yourself in healthy ways is great.
A: I find myself analyzing what he might think, what he might do, how I can get his approval again.
WC: Isn’t it great to see that you are doing that. It is ok to watch that part of you. Those are habits. It is ok you have those triggers. Notice then return to appreciating your strengths.
A: I am suffering.
WC: It is ok to suffer. In your suffering you are also growing. You are building a stronger inner witness and supporter. You are growing a bigger and better ability to support and believe in yourself.
Story Unfolded
The story unfolded. Weeks past. Allison awoke each morning and soothed herself in every day. She kept using her tools. Statements like; “All I have to do is support myself moment by moment.” “I am safe as I live through this chapter.”
Turning Point
They had occasion to participate in a long planned major ironman obstacle course, an event for which they traveled together for hours. During the ride they began to talk some.
A little talking led to more talking. They expressed what they were feeling and listened.
A bit more time elapsed. Our Star kept soothing herself. She did not attack or blame Larry to his face or inside herself. As best she could, she kept her focus on appreciating qualities in Larry she admired.
A Kind Gesture
Allison offered Larry a session of the bodywork, her skill in which she is highly trained and experienced and with which she makes her living. He deeply enjoyed it and the resulting relaxation went a long way to more harmony.
The story of Allison and Larry continues to unfold.
Take Away
The party who does the inner work grows whatever the outcome.
So much Good came when one party refrained from blaming and attack and instead, strengthened herself.
This heroine took responsibility for her own hurtful reaction and soothed herself back into harmony and sanity.
Do you have questions? A story to share? Please submit to the blog. We value everyone’s story of evolution.
Janet Pearlman is a spiritual teacher, counselor, healer and artist. These posts demonstrate everyday applications of the path to greater self knowledge and mastery. Opportunities for greater empowerment abound in the moments of our lives. As we all go for operating from a centered and loving space, we are creating a world where peace can prevail. In her forty-six year journey of self-discovery, Janet has deeply studied the teachings of Abraham-Hicks, Ernest Holmes, Inayat Khan and more. Janet offers individual sessions by phone and in person. Please contact her at jpearl555@earthink.net to arrange an appointment.